Valentine's Day

School was CRRRRAAAZZZY yesterday. I had always thought Valentine's Day was a cute holiday but ultimately too kitschy for people to really take it seriously. Boy, was I wrong! My kids were more excited about Valentine's Day than they were about Halloween or Christmas. Girls walked around ALL DAY with flowers, balloons, and giant stuffed animals. Rather than put those items in their lockers, it was important to show them off to every other girl, all of whom where carrying the EXACT SAME THINGS. And then --

"Miss, where's my Valentine? Did you get me one?"

(in my head) Did you get me one? Probably not.

The biggest problem was that students somehow felt that Valentine's Day constituted a holiday from classwork and learning. The halls were full of students, students would walk out of class unannounced and return with loads of goodies, and students told that they definitely would not do their homework, I guess because they have to go out on Valentine's Day dates from 3:04pm to midnight.

Sigh. I hate to be the one to tell them that, in the real world, February 14th is not a federal holiday.

Math Troubles

Speaks Louder Than a Jet Engine: Miss, I got a 50/50 on my Forensic Science quiz. Did I do good?

Me: Well, you tell me. Why don't you do the math?

Speaks Louder Than a Jet Engine: That's too hard. The way you do grading is too confusing.

Me: Well, if you divide 50 by 50, what do you get?

Speaks Louder Than a Jet Engine: I dunno. That's why I'm asking you.

Obnoxiousness of the Day - February 8, 2011

Obnoxious Mommy, who now sits in the front of the room, is turning around every 30 seconds to talk to her friends in the back of the room. Her comments are usually loud and have nothing to do with what the class is learning.

Me: Obnoxious Mommy, stop turning around and having loud conversations with your friends across the room. I moved you to the front of the room for a reason. I want you to stop talking to your friends and start working on getting your grades up.

Obnoxious Mommy: I'm doing my work!

Me: You haven't written a single thing on your paper.

Obnoxious Mommy: You know what? Scatter.

Me: What did you say to me?

Obnoxious Mommy: You heard me. Scatter.

Me: Obnoxious, don't talk your teachers that way. Now please start paying attention.

Obnoxious Mommy: Just get out of my face.

Half Day Blues

At the conclusion of the first marking period, my school district holds report card conferences for parents. Students have a half day of school, and parents are invited to meet with teachers at school between 1pm and 3pm. Conferences took place yesterday afternoon and will continue today. My students' parents are so involved that yesterday, I met with a grand total of.........

ZERO parents.

I'm hoping for better luck today.

Friday Blues, Part 2

School was closed yesterday for Veterans Day, meaning teachers and students had a long-awaited day off.

I came to school today feeling refreshed and excited to teach!

But when I walked into my room, I noticed immediately that... I HAD BEEN ROBBED!!

Someone had snuck into my room (and several adjoining rooms) between Wednesday afternoon and this morning. From my belongings, the thieves stole my speakers, the power cord for my projector, and the VGA adapter for my projector. Fortunately, I had locked up the projector itself before I left the building on Wednesday. Thank goodness.

I filed a police report right away. I remained calm, but my students were outraged. Several of them exclaimed, "Miss, this is so unfair. How are we going to learn?"

I've replaced all of my missing supplies at this point. But, wow, what an unpleasant surprise.

Awkward Moment of the Day - November 8, 2010

Decibals: Hahahahahaha I can't stop talking and laughing really loudly while Ms. Cyanococcus is trying to teach.

Me: Decibals, will you please be quiet and pay attention?

Decibals: Hahahahahahahahaha Miss, it's not my fault, it's my boyfriend's fault. Hahahahaha I'm going to keep talking and ignore Ms. Cyanococcus.

Speaks Louder Than a Jet Engine: No, Miss, seriously, it's her boyfriend's fault. You can't blame her.

Much whispering and giggling ensued. I overheard the phrase "morning wood" and promptly decided to drop the issue. Decibals continued talking all period.

Fingerprint Flaw

Me: Our objective today is to distinguish among the three classes of fingerprints.

Phone Addict: Oh my god, this is so easy, I learned this in like third grade or something. (whispers to neighbor) I can't believe she's teaching us this.

Me: Let's start off with a basic definition. A fingerprint is an impression of the pattern of ridges above the top joint of your finger.

Phone Addict: Miss, what's a fingerprint?

Friday, You Can Hold Your Head

I just walked into my classroom to find that my room is flooded. Great. It's going to be a fun day teaching.

(Kind of ironic that water won't flow out of my sink taps, but it will appear on my floor. Maybe I should bottle it and save it for my next lab.)

Shiftiness

As long as I'm blogging about office supplies, I may as well rant a little bit about my most-hated office supply company: 3M.

Growing up, I took post-it notes for granted. But when one of my best friends from high school developed a minor obsession with them, I began to respect the brilliance of a piece of paper that contains its own adhesive. No tape. Yes convenience. Ten points for efficiency!

But recently, I've come to believe that 3M is evil (and quite clever). Super sticky post-it notes have infiltrated the market. Now, when I go office supply shopping, I have no choice but to spend more money on super sticky post-it notes because -- let's face it -- who wants to buy weakly sticky post-it notes?! I know I can't work with inferior quality. And 3M knows it can claim a slightly larger percentage of my paycheck.

Bastards.

VS

Quote of the Day - June 6, 2010

Bright Kid With World's Biggest Attitude Problem just called me to ask a question about an extra credit assignment I had given him. When I made an allusion to the BP oil spill, he said

"Oh yeah... I heard there was an oil spill or something. Like, my 8-year-old cousin was talking about some oil spill yesterday."

Mother's Day Shenaniganz

Cute When Distracted: I sent out a text to all my non-mother friends that said, "Happy Non-Mother's Day! Congratulations! You haven't gotten pregnant yet!"

Laryngitis

How am I going to teach tomorrow if I have no voice?!

News from the Ground

During a genetics test, Brilliant But Easily Distracted Kid was talking so much that I had to take his test and give him a zero. Now, his 98 average has dropped to an 83. Better than most students in my biology class, but still. When I tried to admonish him later, he told me that, at the end of the day, nothing can make him stop talking. Not even a zero on a test.

~~~~~~~~~

Has a Hugging Problem is hugging me more than ever. She is also attempting to buy off her disruptive behavior by giving me chips and cookies at the beginning of the day. I wonder what's going on at home...

Coaching? Injustice?

One of my coworkers told me an interesting story today:

One of his students, a wrestler, earned a 2.5% in his class first marking period and a 20% in his class second marking period. Wrestler is currently working (as in, not) toward 0% right now.

Wrestler's has been disrespectful to my colleague all year; however, his behavior has mysteriously improved over the past two weeks. Turns out there is a major wrestling meet this weekend, and the wrestling coach has only recently decided to enforce a longstanding academic guideline: If a student is failing any class, he or she cannot compete in athletic events.

Anyway, Wrestler went to his coach to ask if he could compete this weekend despite the fact that he is failing FOUR classes this marking period. His coach asked to speak to each of Wrestler's teachers. The coach explained to each teacher in turn that Wrestler was one of his star athletes and was nearly guaranteed to win a medal in this weekend's competition. If each teacher could change Wrestler's grade to a 65, if only for the weekend, the coach would be much obliged.

The coach was unfazed about asking this favor. It seemed like a perfectly rational request: Pass this kid so he'll be able to compete, and then we'll all go home happy.

Three out of four teachers gave in. When Wrestler approached my colleague about speaking with his coach, he was one grade away from participating in the competition.

My coworker did not end up relenting, making himself the bad guy. The kid is pissed, the coach is pissed, and the other teachers gave in for nothing. But wait a moment! Why on earth did three teachers agree to change Wrestler's grade? What kind of message is that sending to a teenager? Why do we all contribute to shoving issues underneath the rug and then vacuuming that rug to make it appear nice and glossy?

It's been five and a half months, and I am still shocked at how hard we try to fail our kids.

Really Simple Instructions

On Friday, I gave my biology students a mitosis assignment to complete over the course of the period. I made it very clear that I would be collecting their work at the end of the period, and I reminded them of that fact throughout the 47 minute period.

Approximately 30% of my students did their work and handed something in. The other 70% goofed off, took out their notebooks upon hearing my 24th plea to do work, and promptly goofed off some more.

Oh. My. Gosh. What can I do to get my kids to care? And I know at the end of the marking period, all of my failing students will come to me and complain and accuse me of not teaching them.

My formula is pretty simple. If you try and hand stuff in, you will (most likely) pass. But I can't give you points for work that you don't do. So how can I better motivate my students?

Life Without Gchat? No Way!

First day back at school, and calamity has already struck.

Gchat isn't working.

According to Gmail's helpful error message, my internet is experiencing problems, or my network administrator has blocked Gchat. Gmail (and every other non-blocked site on the internet) is working just fine. I wouldn't but it past the School District of Philadelphia to block Gchat, since I think their overall is to ban all fun.

This is serious. I may need to quit my job.