The Royal We?

Decibals: Oh, I ain't moving today. We be too lazy.

Oh, So It's My Fault

Me: Knows Everything, I need you to be quiet.

(30 seconds later)

Me: Knows Everything, stop talking!

Knows Everything: No, I'm ain't gonna stop talking! You stop talking.

Me: Okay, but you're failing, so what you're doing right now isn't working. Maybe you should stop talking and see if your grades improve.

Knows Everything: You're the teacher, so it's your fault if I fail. You be doin' a bad job. (as a second thought) F*** science.

FOUND: Genuine Gibberish, on Facebook, Part II

A follow-up to this neo-Beowolf text:

Obnoxious Mommy: His ex bish tht use to kall em her bby dad

Some Dude: ‎@Obnoxious Mommy shyt real

@Tweety yea I saw dat pic she got of da ultra sound I'm like wth is dat it looks like an Alien Baby E.T

Phone Addict : yeaaah iSaw it too . She looks likeee ah Old ass woman likee fall fake Old bxtch . LOl

Phone Addict: Baqk* not fake

Some Dude: Lol people crazy now in days

Phone Addict: fOrreal fOrreal lOl ; dhey corney ashxt .

Some Dude: Lol well when ever she ready to come out from hiding let her talk shyt cause apparently she aint Ready for da Phone Addict's and Obnoxious Mommy lol

Phone Addict: lOl yeaah she can talk all dhaa shxt she want . Cusx dhaa Phone Addict's & Obnoxious Mommy dont talk shxt ; jusx State dhaa facts . We call it how we see it . LOl

Some Dude: But u no most of da tweakers dnt get da picture unless da flash is on hahah

Phone Addict: Cdfuu . yu would b dhaa Onee too say somethinq likee dhat . LOl

Some Dude: Lol Ya mean I'm dat Boul hahah I'm kinda crazy lol in a good way it sounds hot though

Phone Addict: Ohkaeee rapper cdfuu . Goo ahead spit somethinqqq

Some Dude: Aight I got u... Yo um Check dis or Get Dis Like a Bad Disease u no Da Spice Gurls aint Nothing To Mess wit living da Vida Loca got these Tweakers haiting on them cause They Young Bad and Reckless lol

Phone Addict: Woohoo ' lmboo yeaah . I'm not ah rapper , soo idk waat too say lOl

Some Dude: Lol its ok u can be in my music video u can look all cute in da back lol hahah

Phone Addict: lOl Okaee dhat'll wOrk yu & nat can b dha rapper & I b dhaa dancer . Lmboo .

Some Dude: Lol aight bet ur heard Nat Rap she be killing it but I'm just betta lol

Phone Addict: ‎, yeaah iHeard it . It wusx niceee . Ohh manee yah need to teach mhee somethinqq lOl .

Some Dude: lol hahah we got u we gonna go buy some Cheesteaks and we gonna teach u how to Rap

Phone Addict: ‎#Let'sGooo !

Speacially w|: dhem CheeseSteaks lmboo .

Jk jk ; buh Okaee cusx ii wanna b ah Rapper too lOl

Some Dude: Lol aight our Rap Team gonna be tuff hahh I got u

Thank you for visiting Facebook, and come again soon!

Quote of the Day - January 26, 2011

Obnoxious Mommy: Miss, I can't believe you called my mom last night. I'm ready to, like, curse you out.

A+ Student: Can you call my mom, and tell her I got a 102% this marking period?

Me: Sure.

Obnoxious Mommy: Can you call my mom to tell her I'm doing a good job?

Me: No.

Snow Day!

There was snow on the ground when I woke up yesterday. Snow blew through the air as I drove to work. After last year's 7 snow days, the School District is understandably reluctant to cancel school for snow, and so school opened at 8am, as usual.

Given the wintry conditions, I was surprised that one-third of our students showed up to school. (More students might have come, but rumors were surfacing on Facebook that there was a two-hour delay.) But the storm continued to rage, and we learned at 10:30am that school would close at 12 noon.

Students felt the announcement obviated the need to learn. So I gave up when 5 students showed up to 5th period. I put on Planet Earth. (My students completely ignored the film. They posted status updates on Facebook instead.)

Today, there is a foot of snow on the ground. I would love to teach, but, hey, I'm not complaining about a snow day.

That's What Henry VIII Thought...

Speaks Louder Than a Jet Engine: Miss, Imma get pregnant again. I really wanna girl. Baby girls are sooooo cute.

Me: What if it's not a girl?

Jet Engine: Oh, it will be. That's what I want.

Quote of the Day - January 25, 2011

Me: Hey, Speaks Louder Than a Jet Engine, why didn't you come to school yesterday?

Speaks Louder Than a Jet Engine: I went shopping!!

Me: So you cut school to go shopping?

Jet Engine: Yup, with my boyfriend and my son. It be so poppin'.

Me: What did your mom say? How come she didn't make you go to school?

Jet Engine: She can't make me do anything. I pushed a baby out of me, so I can make my own decisions.

Thass Racist, Miss

Hasn't Come to Class in Four Weeks: Yo, Miss, can I ask you a question?

Me: Sure.

Four Weeks: Can you still get a job if you have a tattoo?

(Four Weeks pushes up his sweatshirt sleeve to reveal an arm with no visible flesh.)

Me: Well, it depends on the job. Many jobs have dress codes that require you to look professional. They might ask you to cover up your tattoo, or they just won't hire you at all.

Four Weeks: Yooooo, that's discrimination, that's just like saying you can't get a job 'cause you're black!

The One Where Ms. Cyanococcus Is Funny

Me: Cheerfully Failing!! You have to make up your biomes test today!

Cheerfully Failing: Oh, Miss. Don't say that word. It's my least favorite 4-letter word.

Me: Cheerfully Failing!! I have an exam for you!!

The One Where Ms. Cyanococcus Gets Snarky

Obnoxious Mommy is making up her biomes test from last week. She has only completed about 35% of her test.

Me: Please try to finish the rest of your test.

Obnoxious Mommy: No, I can't, I don't know any of this stuff.

Me: Did you study?

Obnoxious Mommy: No.

Me: Were you paying attention in class?

Obnoxious Mommy: No

Me: Did you do any of your homework?

Obnoxious Mommy: No. I have a son to take care of.

Me: That's not an excuse.

Obnoxious Mommy: Yes, it is! You try having a son. You won't be able to get anything done either.

Me: That's why I didn't get pregnant at 16.

Obnoxious Mommy: I'm not 16, I'm 18! And my son is a year old!

Quote of the Day - January 24, 2011

Me: I'm really excited about my birthday later this week!

Actually Fascinated By the Environment: Is anyone gonna give you a birthday present?

Pretends to Be Illiterate: Is anyone gonna give you a birthday suit?

Color Caveat

Not the Fastest Thinker: Miss, if you're wearing a blue shirt..... why is your sweater red?

FOUND: Genuine Gibberish, on Facebook

Phone Addict

‎' Twinxx fCk dhat bxtch . Foh w|: dhese computer qanqster . I ride for my mainsx END OF STORY ¡

, 1O.11.1O .

35 minutes ago via Mobile Web · Like · Comment

Phone Addict and Some Other Girl like this.

Obnoxious Mommy: Woooohoo yu & me both

Phone Addict: ‎' yeaaah likee foh likee she won't qet beat dha fCk up . Idqaf ; preqoo Or not . Her & her Fake ass baby . Foh nut ass bxtch .

Some Dude: Lol u sound like a computer Gangster now lol jk

Obnoxious Mommy: Ctfu I send er a request she iqnired me

Phone Addict: Sis ' she jusx ah muthaafCkinq duck !

Phone Addict: ‎@Dude : nahh I'm jusx maddd . Buh yu ritee ima fall baqk let it ridee Out .

Some Dude: Fuck dat Bitch she aint got no life I'm sorry I had to call her a bitch I dnt call no female bitches but she is she got no life she mess wit my crazy Marie's she messes wit me lol

Phone Addict: ‎' lOl likee it ain't even bOut all dhisx nOw buh she fCkinq w|: dhaa wrOnqq ppl speacially at dhaa wrOnqq tymee . Likee shxt qet real ' she jusx needa fall baqk & qoo ahead w|: her tweakass self .! B4 well yu knoo dha rest lmboo .

Some Dude: Lol yea I no I feel u.. aint she prego

Obnoxious Mommy: Sum uqly ass p.r jawn. Just kalled ma son uqly ctfu!

Obnoxious Mommy: I'm donee she getin her add whipped

Some Dude: Oh damn who said dat

Obnoxious Mommy: Onee of his ex gurl I'm donee! Iht a rap! I'm Google her house

Phone Addict: ‎@dude : "Supposely" she is preqoo . Buh yeaaah whoo kno's cusx bxtches b funnie ashxt .

@sistaah: wtf ' whoo said dhat ?

News Update

Obnoxious Mommy: Did you hear how they caught the Kensington Strangler?! He and my brother are best friends! They smoke pot at my house every week!

Well, She Told Me!

Too Young to Be a Curmudgeon walked in late today. Instead of joining the rest of the class in the lab we were doing, or checking out another student's notes to see what she had missed, Curmudgeon sat down and texted for the rest of the period. I approached her toward the end of the period...

Me: Curmudgeon, can you put your phone away and make up the work you missed?

Curmudgeon: Miss, the period's almost over.

Me: You still have a minute or too. Why don't you put away your phone and make up the work?

Curmudgeon: I told you, the period's almost over!

Me: You're not supposed to have a phone in school at all. Put it away and get to work.

Curmudgeon: No.

Me: Why do you have to talk to me like that?

Curmudgeon: Because you're wrong!!

Quote of the Day - January 18, 2011

Decibals and Knows Everything were talking while I was trying to teach. Really loudly. Again.

Me: Okay, I need you guys to move. I've had enough of the talking. Move.

Decibals: No, I ain't gonna move. We too lazy for that.

Me: (suspiciously) Who's we?

Decibals: Me and the baby inside me.

Misconceptions

Mr. President: Is Brown a historically black college? Is that where it gets its name?

Quote of the Day - January 13, 2010

Crazy Neckties: I wanna vacation at a nude beach... so I get a full-body tan.

Quote of the Day - January 11, 2011

Super Student: Miss, are we watching March of the Penguins today? That's, like, my favorite movie right now.

Public School Lives

Yesterday in class, while I was droning on about the tundra, I saw Teen Mommy say, "Here you go" and hand Phone Addict a condom. "It's my last one."

Quote of the Day - January 10, 2011

Mostly Magnetic: Miss, why don't you have a boyfriend? I can hook you up with my cousin. Then you could come to family barbecues and stuff.

Quote of the Day - January 7, 2011

Miss Mommy: Miss, why don't you have kids yet? Aren't getting a little old? I mean, I had my son when I was sixteen.

Quote of the Day - January 5, 2011

Decibals: Yeah, I love visiting my boyfriend in jail. He so sexy.

Actually, They're Red All Over

One of my friends told me today that curiosity makes for a good teacher. I would add that curiosity makes for a comical (and precocious) student.

Among the science questions I answered today:

"Are zebras white with black stripes or black with white stripes?"

"Why is wool so itchy?"

"Did you know silk is made from worms? That's so gross. I hate silk."

"Did you hear about the cave in Vietnam that has an entire jungle inside?"

"What's Vietnam?"

"I'm doing my project on deserts. Is it okay if I answer these questions for the tropical rain forest?"

Quote of the Day - January 4, 2011

Several of my students were cursing quite loudly at the beginning of fourth period yesterday.

Me: Guys, can you stop talking like animals?

Alphabet Soup: Animals don't talk. OH, YOU JUST GOT PLAYED!

Welcome Back, and A New Perspective on Science

Hey there, B&Bers!

Welcome back to a new and exciting year in Ms. Cyanococcus's classroom, er, blog. My new year's resolution is to keep you guys abreast of the crazy goings-on at my high school on a daily basis. I really do appreciate your support, and I want to keep you chuckling through 2011.

That said, one of my students, Sourpuss, forced me to think about science from a bawdier point of view yesterday. We were watching the "Great Plains" episode of Planet Earth in Environmental Science. Most of my students were watching intently. Sourpuss shouted out her question.

Sourpuss: Why is that bird jumping up and down?

Me: He's trying to get a mate to notice him.

Sourpuss returns a blank stare.

Me: He's flirting.

Sourpuss: Oh, okay.